I spent many hours of my childhood in Sunday School looking at Technicolor pictures of the parables hung on the basement walls. I attended VBS, drank the watered down Kool-Aid, ate the animal crackers and colored pictures of the fruits of the spirit. I went to Discipleship training before church on Sunday night, and then went to “big” church for another hour after that. If anyone should have the Old Testament stories nailed down, it’s me.

But along came a cautious tomato and a dingy cucumber and clouded my thinking. Alas, the seed fell among the thorns and the thorns grew up and choked out the true account and left me remembering the “Factured Fairy Tale” version. Now, when my kids ask me to tell them a Bible story, I hesitate –

Let’s see… there was David. He was a little shepherd boy whose sheep tipped repeatedly, but he was brave. He went to do battle against a 9-foot tall pickle and saved his people. They made him king and gave him a lot of duckies, but he wasn’t content. He saw a ducky that he couldn’t have and he was so unhappy.

Before him there was Joshua who had to endure the taunts of the French Peas on the big wall (evidently Jericho is a suburb of Paris). The French Peas practiced their Monty Python routine on the poor Israelites as they marched around dodging the catapulted cows.

The brutal Assyrians slapped people with fish, that’s how mean they were. If you really ticked off the king you’d be banished to the island of perpetual tickling. Speaking of Kings, the evil ones bore an uncanny resemblance to Bill Clinton – white hair and Southern drawl included. And Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego worked in a chocolate bunny factory. They got in trouble when they wouldn’t sing a really bad song.

I don’t want no health food when it’s time to feed.
A big bag o’ bunnies is all that I need.
I don’t want no buddies to come out and play.
I’ll sit on my sofa, eat bunnies all day.
I won’t go to church and I won’t go to school,
that stuff is for sissies, but bunnies are cool!

Yes, I might not be able to name the twelve tribes of Judah, but I can sing The Hairbrush Song and I Love my Lips.

Do you suffer from the same confusion? Do you lose at Bible Trivia because all you can remember is that Daniel was threatened with having his ears filled with cheese balls and his nostrils with sorbet? Please tell me I’m not the only one.

What’s your favorite Veggie Tales song or lyrics?

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