All mothers talk about their kids. We brag, we whine, we ask for prayer, but they are our favorite topic. And if we occasionally share Too Much Information we know that the handful of friends who heard us will forgive and pretend to forget.
Unfortunately social media doesn’t work that way. You might have only vented to one friend in real life, but online it could be read by hundreds of people. Your unguarded confession could come back to haunt you…and your children.
And so, in the interest of protecting our children, our reputations and the general public I propose a pledge for smart Mommas everywhere.
1. I will not fight with the father of my children on Facebook. Yes, my husband and I joke, we tease, we tell stories on each other, but if there’s an issue between us, it will not be made public for the world…and my children’s friends to see. This should hold true regardless of your current marital status.
2. I will not comment on my child’s relationships on Facebook. If there’s a spat between her and her friend I will not leave my blistering two cents about “some people” and “knowing who your real friends are” and (ironically) “maturity”. My kids’ friends, BFFs and boyfriends will not be identified by me on Facebook. Relationships will remain unacknowledged unless there was a diamond ring and a talk with Dad. Break-ups and tiffs are not worthy of public comment unless the wedding invitations are already in the mail.
3. I will not post pictures of my underage daughters in skimpy swimsuits. Every few years Hollywood has a scandal when the latest Disney Channel star turns eighteen. Well, the media must not be seeing some of the pictures that come across my feed. Moms, maybe you and your daughter have this joke about her being a pin-up girl. Maybe you play around like she’s in a photo shoot. I get that. But please understand that your pictures don’t include laughter and sarcasm. The pictures are of a nearly-naked fourteen-year-old with an arched back and…well, nearly-naked. Let’s pledge together that we won’t make adult men extremely uncomfortable by exposing our precious daughters before them.
4. I will not post anything that I wouldn’t say in front of my children. This is a little tricky because sometimes there are those inside jokes that adults can talk about in front of kids and they don’t get it. Well, they will someday. And if they don’t their friends might. Or their friends’ parents. Or their future in-laws. I will only post topics that I am willing to explain to my children. If I don’t want them to get the joke, then I won’t post it.
5. If I embarrass my kids on Facebook (and I intend to) it will be because they think I’m a nerd. My children will cringe at some of the things I admit to online. They might claim that someone hacked my account to make that post, but if they are embarrassed it will be because they don’t want their friends to know what a fuddy, stick-in-the-mud parent I am. It will not be because I’m pretending to be a hip, edgy, sexy woman in an attempt to get one last “thatta girl” before she coasts over the hill.
6. I will not question those in authority over my children on Facebook. Responsible choices must be made when we are in disagreement with our child’s teachers, coaches or pastors. What we share with our kids should be carefully considered. Sharing with the world shouldn’t be considered at all. When my child is in trouble with his school/team/club (and it will happen…again) I won’t post about it as if his offense were in some way humorous. I won’t minimize the trouble he’s caused or question the official response – not online. If there’s any discussion it will be between the adults involved and will probably result in a written and/or personal apology from my child to the teacher. Anyone that I trust enough to work with my children deserves my respect…and sympathy.
So, what do you think? Do you disagree with any of these points? What other restrictions would you like to see mothers self-impose?
Great set of guidelines, Regina! I try to use my kids’ facebook as a jumping off point to ask them questions about things face to face rather than interacting with them online. (Mine are young adults and don’t really want their mom commenting on their status all the time!) They have really appreciated that I have given them their space on facebook just as they have given me mine. Ironically, facebook has allowed them to see that I have a life outside of them, too–that many of my friends have no connection to them whatsoever! And I can be an example to my kids as they watch me interact publicly with my friends.
Thanks for the valuable input, Anne. I don’t have adult children on FB yet, but I can see how it would make it easier to stay connected. And I like the concept of giving them space. I promise I won’t comment or like every post they make (even if I am reading them).
I couldn’t agree more! A dear friend of mine going through a messy divorce (is there any other kind?) calls her ex the vilest names on Facebook – what are the children supposed to think? He’s their DAD! Sigh.
Might I add avoiding prayer requests for children’s health issues (with gory details) or personal issues – usually for a prodigal. Please. Leave the kid some self-respect!
My kids range from 13-19. Some of their real-world friends are my Facebook friends. Some of my Facebook friends are parents of my kids’ real-world friends. I leave the drama, frustration, and angst for in-person conversations with trusted friends. Why ruin their lives more than I already do by – gasp! – breathing!!!
LOL, I embarrass my kids enough in real life. They don’t need me sharing their business with the world. You never know who your child’s future employer or in-laws could be. You don’t want them to say “I remember when you were young you always had a problem with…”
And limiting medical history is a good idea for everyone! Especially if it isn’t your own illness you’re sharing.
Thanks for the input, Sarah.
Oh, Regina. I.love.this.post. Seriously. I agree with every word and pray that I’m doing my kids a service in this world of social media. I’m very protective. I only post their names and photos on my personal page (never on my blog or author FB page or Twitter) and I try to keep really personal details personal. There’s definitely something to be said for maturity.
Might I also add a few ideas for the pledge?
I will not allow my child to have a Facebook page before they are of age. *One of my small cousins, age 8, popped up on FB not too long ago as someone I might like to friend. ?????
I will require that my children are my friends on FB, and I will monitor their FB usage, and if they do not comply, they are welcome to delete their FB accounts.
Wow, Regina, so glad you put all this into words! These are all so important! Everything we do and say sends a message. It’s my constant hope to send the right message for my sake, my husbands and my children’s.
I was talking to my mom on the phone just last night about how with the internet, people do and say things that they would never do in real life. If it’s not a comment I could say to that person, right to their face with pleasantness, then I don’t ever want to say it about them online. It’s just not fair to the other person.
Regina, these are excellent pledges and I agree with Jennifer too. My child is my friend and I have her password and can access her account at anytime.
Also, if she wants to friend an adult or an adult has friended her, even if it’s someone she knows well, it must make it through me and hubby’s approval before she can send it or confirm. And she is not allowed to be friends with people she doesn’t know–random teens/kids. Because you just never know, ya know? 🙂
Loved this!!!
Amen to Jennifer’s additions!! My kids were all required to friend my husband and me – and each other. I stalk their pages daily and they know I do – granted, mostly because they’re funny and I love the window into a part of their world I don’t see.
But I also stalk to nip things in the bud. One of my son’s college friends started a discussion about a divisive subject on my son’s wall. They were courteous, but my son was applying for jobs, so I suggested (in a private message) that he and his friend take the discussion to private messaging rather than the very public wall. My son agreed and removed the post from his wall. Kids (even in college) are still learning the public – and permanent – impact of what they say online.
Jennifer – An eight-year-old would have to lie about her age, right? I don’t get it. Good point about being FB friends with your kids and checking up on them.
Joanne – The internet makes us brave, doesn’t it? This post for example. LOL.
Jessica – Thanks for your input. You’re right about adult friends. I’ve had to make some tough calls on letting adults friend my teens. Some of them are nice and well-meaning, but they don’t follow “smart Momma” rules and I don’t want my daughters to get drawn into those discussions. Good reminder.
Sarah – Sounds like we need to start a list of smart young’uns dos and don’ts. It’s scary to think a political or moral discussion could cost you a job or college application, but that’s where we are now. Great reminder.
Thanks you all for the reposts and retweets! I really appreciate it!
Love this post, Regina! I agree with all of these points, but the young girls in skimpy swimsuit pictures send me over the edge! My 13 year-old daughter has heard “NO swimsuit pics!” as my last words before every swim this summer. Yes, I get the eye roll and the annoyed “I know, I know” but I get that most of the time anyway. 🙂 Here’s to smart mommas raising smart kids.
Susan, I’m glad to hear you’ve been diligent on that. I know everyone follows different degrees of modesty, but there’s got to be some common ground, especially when we’re talking about our under-aged daughters. Keep up the good work!
Excellent advice to follow! FB adds a whole new dimension to parenting. Thanks